The Feeling of Holding Your First Book

Today marks the day my 7th book, “Penitence,” is being released world-wide.  My second one released this year, as well (Haunted: Finding an Explanation for the Unknown was published in July).

Coincidentally, earlier today I saw a post from someone on a Facebook group for authors I am in that asked what it was like when we who have been published held our first published book.

I thought it would be interesting to share my own experience with it.  Why? Because, why not?

While it was not the first book I published, the first one I actually received as a copy from my publishers was Silent Steps, the first book in the Takiq series.

It was one year ago, almost to the day today, that I got that book in the mail and felt it.  Touched it.  Smelled it.

I turned the pages, going from one to the next, reading the words written on the paper and I was … shocked? I guess that is the right word for it.

I could not believe, after so many years of trying to find publishers, trying to work through the fears and disempowerment I had gone through each time I wrote something down, that there I was, holding my own book in my hands.

I actually ended up crying a little bit.  Not in that moment, because it was too overwhelming and there were other things I had to process.  But, later that night, after everyone went to bed and I was sitting up with it next to me on my desk, I picked it back up again and held it to my chest, realizing the moment had come when I actually could feel like I had done something worthwhile.  It was then the tears began to flow.

It has been my dream, since I was a small child, to have people read the stories I write.  I went through some real nightmare situations to get to the point I could actually offer up the words to a publisher and, to my great surprise, have them accept them.

Did I feel I “made it”? No, I knew the hard part was still to come.  But I felt a great relief.  A huge weight lifted from me, knowing I had a chance.  I had done what I had always dreamed of doing.

I shared my worlds, shared the visions in my head, shared the people living inside of me.

I was home.

That’s what holding my first book meant to me.  I had come home.

I still feel the exact same way when I hold that book, and all of the other books I have published.

I know I will feel it again when my copy of “Penitence” comes in and I pull it from the box.

Thank you all for helping to make all of it possible.


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