Are You Controlling Your Significant Other? Thoughts on Jealousy

One of my biggest pet peeves is the idea that someone thinks they have either the right or the duty to control another person. This may be something you agree with as well, since, I think, most people out there would say the idea of controlling someone else is akin to slavery.

That is true; if you are controlling what someone does or say, or even thins, you are, in effect, enslaving that person, taking away their sense of free will and molding it to fit whatever your own agenda might be.

The definition of slave is:

a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.
synonyms: historic alserf, vassal, thrall; More
work excessively hard.
“after slaving away for fourteen years, all he gets is two thousand”
synonyms: toil, labor, grind away, sweat, work one’s fingers to the bone, work like a Trojan/dog; informal kill oneself, sweat blood, slog away; literary travail; archaic drudge, moil
“slaving away for a pittance”

What does that have to do with your significant other?

Relationships between SO’s are dynamic ones, filled with emotions and events, both high and low. It’s not often when there is a break in tensions and the roller coaster that life can make you ride.

Throw into that mix the different jealousies, envies, angers and fears, you’re looking at a powder keg just waiting for a match.

Jealousy is a difficult emotion to come to terms with. Most of the time, we don’t even know why we are feeling that way – it just happens. That emotion, however, carries with it a problem… control.

Think about The Lord of the Rings for a moment. In that book (and movie) series, a character, Gollum, is the epitome of jealousy. He is filled with it, consumed by it, and it shows in each of his actions. It is what led him to become the being he was.

Gollum, however, was not always that way.  He was, at one time, Smeagol, a kind soul, who, in time, became corrupted by jealousy.

The same can actuially happen in a relationshop with another person, especially a significant other.

Jealousy is, at its core, the sense that you, as a person, have a right to control what the other person does.

Let me put it in a way that might help explain what I am thinking with this.

Let;s say your spouse wants to have an open relationship.  They have a desire to seek the arms of another person and you discover this, whether through them telling you they want to do this, or another means.

This may foster jealous feelings within you, making you want to tell them no, they cannot do this thing.  It angers you and makes you feel worthless.  It makes you question the relationship and so many other things.  It sparks anger and jealousy in you.

This may lead you to tell the person they are not allowed to do this thing, that you put your foot down and refuse to allow it to happen.

This may sound like a reasonable response.  After all, everything in society tells us this is the way things are and “feels” natural.

However, what I am trying to bring to mind is that this is actually a form of slavery, a form of control over the person you are with.

As a person with free will, it is their choice to do whatever they want to do.  It is their decision, as a  person, to choose for themselves anything they want in their life, including you, or to go be with whomever they choose.

As a person,  you cannot control that aspect of things.  You cannot make their decisions for them, you can only coax, speak, ask, but never control.

Now, that being said, this does not mean you do not have input on the situation.  You could, for instance, ask them not to.  Tell them the thing they want to do would bring you pain and sorrow and, as a partner in the relationship, they should make a different choice.

Again, however, you cannot demand.

This issue was brought up to me because of a couple my wife and I know.  They are going through some troubles right now in their relationship, relating to this topic and, because of it, I thought I would give my own perspectives onto this problem.  It’s actually not an uncommon issue between couples.

This kind of “control issue,” however, is not limited to just “Person A wants to go out with another guy” or “Person B was caught cheating.”  It’s in many of the things we do in our daily lives as people and, I think, is one of the biggest issues we face as a species today.

It’s everywhere – in movies and TV shows, in books, in the relationships we see in other people.  It’s in the jobs we work and the schools we send our kids to.

The factor of control over another person is rampant in our system of being and is something we really need to move past.

We are each individuals, with our own thoughts and feelings, with our own perspectives and dreams.  We must be allowed to let those things flourish and get away from the thought we can have a factor of control over other people.

Look at the issues facing America right now, as an example.  The election of Donald Trump has thrown a big wrench at the monkey, so to speak,. and has brought up the thought that the governed have lost control of the government.\

It’s a problem, to be sure, but my own thoughts are that we need to get to the point as human beings that we do not need to be governed.  We need to understand we can be our own person, and make our own decisions for ourselves, without the interference of a governing body.

To be sure, it’s a long way off.  However, we can make a start of it by understanding that in our personal relationships, we do not have the right to control the person we are with.  We need to allow each other to have the free will to do what we desire.

If, in that decision process, you are hurt by the choices made, you can walk away, and move on into another stage of your life without that other person, if need be.

Just thought I would share my pondering on this very contentious issue.

If you would like to know more of my thoughts on relationships, you can read my book, When Good Relationshops Go Bad, available for sale right now world wide, as well as on my website,


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